It stands within reason that if the human race can conquer space, master flight and even reverse the flow of the Chicago River, that we stand a chance of rendering the hangover powerless. In fact, with all the home-brewed and “scientific” cures out there, maybe we already have and we just don't know it. Maybe the hangover's demise is only a clever marketing campaign away, and those pills you see on TV do work. And maybe each of us suffers our own personal drinking hell from time to time because the hangover is God's cruel trick on us for inventing fermentation.
In any case, I've had a few hangovers and would like a cure. During our medicinal journey, we will visit the top solutions of four types of hangover remedies: the “homebrew,” the “scientific,” the “absurd” and the “if all else fails.”
The “Homebrew”
Let's say you went out for a few drinks after work. You put back a couple of beers, maybe a shot of something. You were done drinking by 11 p.m., in bed by midnight. Homebrew solutions work best – and in fact only work – if your alcohol intake is moderate at most. Maybe you even remembered to eat a little bread to soak up the alcohol in your stomach before going to bed. In the morning, if your motor skills aren't top-notch, try to make up your own remedy.
Jellybeans
The goal of the jellybean is to add as much sugar to your system with the least amount of food that might upset the stomach. Drinking lowers your sugar levels, and getting that back to normal helps the kidneys do their job. You could just down sugar packets but a nice champagne-flavored Jelly Belly just sounds more fun.
Lime Cocktail
It's been reported that cutting up a lime, squeezing it over ice and drinking it will help to solve your headache woes. In truth, it does help, and you might even consider asking for a lime at the bar with your gin and tonic or your Captain and Coke. Hell, maybe even try it with a shot of Jaeger. It might work.
Sleep and Sex
The tried-and-true method for curing a hangover, getting more sleep and having sex, is more avoidance then a cure. The sleep-and-sex route brings together two emotional states – last night and this morning – to create the ultimate weapon. Last night you wanted to get laid, and this morning you can't imagine leaving you bed. The hangover can bring both to fruition. This is recommended on non-hungover days as well.
The “Scientific”
Instead of going home after a few drinks, perhaps you move the party next door … to another bar! You and the guys from work are getting into a heated discussion over episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and over the single greatest invention to mankind. You're arguing for the stirrup, and need some liquid backup. Some asshole next to you is arguing for the light bulb, and if you don't keep this buzz going you're going to deck him. So what if you'll regret the whiskey in the morning? You're going to win this debate. You should have been on the goddamn debate team. When you wake up, don't expect to use your brain for at least five hours, unless you're using it to recall one of the following cures.
Vitamins B1 and B2
Book after book and Web site after Web site say that drinking removes not only your inhibitions, but also vitamins B1 and B2 from your system. Replacing them quickly is the fastest way to normalcy, but this involves fending of the health nuts and geriatrics at your local grocery store. Good luck and Godspeed.
P.M.S. Pills
Women may have known about this panacea, but for all us men this is news. In a way, it makes sense. Few things are worse then a hangover but P.M.S. may be one of them. The drawback to this cure is the need to be close enough to a woman to be able to ask for their pills. Maybe the hangover is easier?
- IV Fluids
Logic might dictate that this cure be placed under the “absurd” category for its lack of accessibility. With report after report of paramedics showing up to work hungover and using there skills to better their situation, it has been decided that using a IV to re-hydrate is a fine solution to the day after drinking dilemma. Anyone know a paramedic?
Maybe if your friends hadn't riled you up with all that talk of inventions, you wouldn't have started hitting on the bartender. But as things stand, your friends have all gone home for the night. When they offered to give you a ride, you told them you felt like walking home and then promptly seated yourself back up at the bar, ordered another drink. The bartender has really nice … um ... eyes. She's a student at DePaul, studying economics. You love economics. Tell her this. Decide you are going home with this bartender, and watch your chances disappear as you order another drink. When you wake up alone, too confused to simply pop a few vitamins, you can turn to the “absurd” remedies for that extra kick in the ass.
Pedialyte Popsicles
People used to suggest drinking Pedialyte, which is a children's diarrhea medicine, but it tastes awful. Thankfully the people who make the drink wised up and created the mush in a more palatable popsicle version. It does work, but much like the first guy to figure out that huffing whipped cream bottles gets you high, the Pedialyte cure leaves a few questions in the air.
Sheep Balls
Eating a pickled sheep eyeball smothered in tomato juice is the hangover cure most used in Mongolia. One has to wonder if this is really a cure or just a practice of still-drunk Mongolians.
Prairie Oyster
This little concoction is meant to bring together all the items that proclaim to thwart off the hangover demons. The “absurd” label is given to it for two reasons: the awful taste it has and for the chance of one having all the ingredients in there home at any given time.
Olive oil
Tablespoon of ketchup
1 egg yolk
Salt and pepper
Tabasco
Worcestershire sauce
Vinegar
Lemon juice
Rinse cocktail class with olive oil and then discard. Mix all ingredients except egg yolk in the glass. Place the egg yolk carefully on top and drink glass followed by a glass of water.
Let's suppose that after the bartender makes it clear that you are not going home with her, you get mean. You feel like you've made an investment, sitting up there with her, ordering beer after beer and tipping well – you want to cash in. When she tells you the bar is closing and that you'll have to leave, you tell her that you don't want to hear another word about it. Tell her econ degrees are for people who can't figure out how to balance their checkbooks on their own. Start to cry. When she isn't looking, reach over the bar and grab the closest bottle within your reach: peppermint Schnapps. Take a desperate swig from the bottle before she sees what you've done. She will threaten to call the cops. Take your bottle under your arm and run into the street with it. When you wake up in an alley, covered in Schnapps, you are going to need a quick fix to lift yourself out of the gutter. On these kinds of mornings the “if all else fails” remedies are really your only options.
Division Street Baths
Sweat it out, sweat it out, sweat it out. When water, aspirin or even a prairie oyster won't do, head down to Chicago's last remaining bathhouse at 1916 West Division Street. Nothing gets rid of bodily impurity better then skin-scalding steam and naked old guys.
More Drinking
If last night's drinking binge cannot be conquered by any remedy, either man-made or divine, then drinking again is perhaps your last option. And truth be told, it does work, or, more to the point, it delays the effects of the hangover. All those people giving you the awkward look on a Sunday morning when you ordered a whisky with your bagel? Tell them it's OK. You're just hungover.
Heroin
Your headache won't be bothering you after this. Just remember to clean your needles.