A few years ago, before 9/11, my friends and I would sit at the airport and hone our people-watching and story-telling skills, as in, “look at that guy. I bet he's coming home from what he told his wife was a ‘business trip,' but he's been cheating on her for months. Look at how nervous he is.”

Good times. But after then, we weren't able to get any further into the airport than the check-in counter – which would make people watching a bit more expensive – but we've done the best we can.

Learning your flight – and only your flight– is delayed. Rating: 6.6
It's the inevitable paradox when you get to the airport: You don't want to check what those little screens have to say, but you need to, you want to, you take a look – oh. Damn. Looks like you're here five hours early, give or take. Might as well check in and read a book while making up stories about the other passengers.

You can start right here: What about that family of five checking in? Looks like they're going to Florida . Think Disney World is in the mix? Most likely not. The mother is a contact in smuggling underworld, and uses her children as diversions from the small antiques she takes across borders in her suitcase. The father is connected all the way to the top of the CIA, and uses his clout to get first-class upgrades on every flight, where the stewardesses serve his underage children champagne . Oh, the humanity.

Then again, you can take heart, knowing their flight was delayed, same as yours, so their international smuggling contact will get spooked at the destination airport and will leave the deal unfinished. Ha. Take that, modern transportation!

Get some food: Are you sleeping or running a marathon? Rating: 4.5
I've heard from both sides about whether or not eating before a flight is a good idea: One says flying on a full stomach makes her queasy, and the other says he'd rather not eat the food provided on an airplane, thank you very much. But I can't understand why eating beforehand wouldn't be a good idea. Am I going to be running a marathon or trying to sleep during a horrible flight with someone's Uncle Charlie sitting next to me, asking me where I'm headed. Typically, the plane is going in one direction only, so that's pretty much where I'm going.

In any case, you should get some food. Airport food is only one notch hihger than airplane food on the chain of life, but it's something. Grab your Cinnabun and get the hell out of there before the Nutri-Grain Bar ad agency comes around and sticks two cinnamon rolls to your ass.

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