When an item has become the topic of pundits it is a sure sign that once again the eyes of human nature are too big for the stomach. One need look no further for a culprit then the nefarious counter-culture of the dreaded Book Club. Housewives, divorcees, lonely 35-year-old men living with their parents and, of course, the pundits get together across this country to discuss topics they don't understand. Take The Da Vinci Code for example, a reasonably good book, with nothing inherently wrong with it except for its horribly misguided and sickening-by-implication popularity. Now every Book Club member is instantly a scholar of the Bible and the life of Jesus Christ.

Well, Jesus Christ!

It is hard these days to travel into any type of store and not find at least one item that is connected to that damn book. Blockbuster carries DVDs to help unlock the secrets of the New Testament and I even received a mail-order card with a phone number I could call to help me through the book. For those of us who would rather club a baby seal then join a Book Club and for those of us who feel they are above being sucked into waves of consumer product hysteria, I have one question for you: Do you own an iPod?

The problem
The problem is the iPod has reached such a level of ubiquity that it is now out of control. In the beginning it was only the geeks and audiophiles – the difference between the two is minimal – who were buying the devices. Now my mother owns one. At Duke University incoming freshmen are getting a new iPod. All I got was a freakin' VD. And thus starts the wave that all popular technologies must bare: the wave of idiocy. For years, every PC (read: Microsoft) product dealt with waves of people that had no clue and usual no business using their product. Now it's Apple's turn to experience the asshats. Microsoft, we see you snickering over there.

Now assuming you own one, as everyone does, we aren't going to touch on the basics of playing music or hooking it up to your computer but we are going to learn all the other cool things you can do with an iPod other then just listen to your horrible taste in music. I'm only spiteful because my iPod was stolen not long ago and I have convinced myself the thief has replaced all of my collection with his best of Garfunkel collection. If the iPod is going to be the next Da Vinci Code , which it is, then dammit, you're going to be the ultimate pundit. 

The solution
The iPod is, first and foremost, a computer . It's neither the most powerful, nor the most user-friendly computer, but it's a computer nonetheless. This idea of an iPod being a computer is essential to understanding all the other uses for the iPod. Your home computer can be used for almost anything, and the iPod is catching up.

Simple
Let's start simply. Remember the game Breakout? Where you control the ever-heroic, umm, line that bounces balls in an effort to destroy those, umm, annoying blocks. Well, you can play it on any version of the iPod. In versions 1.0.4 and earlier go to the “about” screen and for higher versions go to the “legal” screen. Once there, hold down the select button for five seconds and the game will start immediately. Use the wheel to control the paddle. Enjoy!

Here's another one to ooh and aah your friends. We all know how annoying the black text on the iPod can be. You can change the color of the screens and text from black to blue by entering the diagnostic mode. Now, unlike you cooking in the kitchen or trying to assemble the latest Ikea addition, just follow the instructions. First reset the iPod by pressing and holding the “menu” and “play” buttons. When the Apple logo appears, press and hold the “rew,” “fwd” and “select” buttons. After you hear a little chirp, yes, like a bird, you're in diagnostic mode. From here scroll to contrast, labeled “N. DISPLAY” and you can change the black text to blue. Enjoy!

Software
So these two tips have been a bit childish, but then again, so is high school . There are a number of software programs out there other than iTunes that let you have some fun with you iPod. Lets look at these awesome creations so you can be enticed and spend hours trying to get them to work. Just kidding, they work. Most of the time.

Now for those among us who love text adventure games so much that they will not leave their home to seek out losing their virginity are in luck. You know those freaks , the ones who stare a computer game with shitty graphics trying to decide what to do when asked, “Ye be thirsty. Should ye A: drink, B: die or C: use magic potion?” contemplate their next move like it's the fucking Cuban missile crisis. There is software which allows you to create your own games in a variety of styles from quiz games to choose-your-own adventure games. There is even a site to download games that were made by other people. It's a lot like those games for the Texas Instruments calculators you used in calculus, except now you're older and can get paid while you play them at work.

The next software is for all you “forgetful paranoids”. You know those people who are paranoid to think the government, or hell, even the maid, are after your personal data, but are also too dumb to remember their debit card PIN. It's called, ironically enough, Pod Secret 1.0. With this software you can transfer important data like credit card / bank numbers, hookers' addresses and the identity of the second grassy knoll shooter and encrypt it so now one else can read it except you, all accessible from your iPod.

Now for those of us on the go, which we all must be because we own a goddamn iPod, there is GoogleGet 1.2.3 . It's a piece of simple software that allows you to download the latest Google news by topic to your iPod, which is a perfect combination of the world's two most widely-used and yet least-understood technologies. How I love these moments of technological bliss.

We hear all the time about the Bible is the most translated book in the world. I personally own it in at least 90 different languages . And I believe in fairies, too. Now you can download the Bible into your iPod for the “on the go” Jesus experience . Much to my enjoyment, it's called BiblePod.

Gadgets
iPods are cool as-is, there is no doubt about that. But Apple, along with a few other companies, are making add-ons for the device which are provide a downright religious experience.

The coolest item is the iTrip . And by cool I mean people will meet you and think to themselves, “Wow, that person is cool. If only I could be so cool. If I was that cool, other people would think I'm cool. That's the cool type of cool!” It is the only device of its kind specifically made for the iPod. When plugged in to the top of the device, it broadcasts the music from your iPod to your car stereo on a station of your choosing. There are no batteries required and the damn thing's only $35.

The second-best device ever is a bit less flashy but equally as useful, kinda like a one-legged whore. Have you ever been out with you digital camera and right when little Jimmy was about to take his first step, or Suzie finally agreed to flash you for those cheap plastic beads you run out of space on your memory card? Well I certainly have, though it might have been Jimmy's boobs and Suzie steps – it's kinda blurry. Belkin makes a product to plug in a Flash card into your iPod so you can transfer you images and free up space. No, you can't view the images on the iPod … yet.

Conclusion:
Feel free to impress everyone with you knowledge of the amazing iPod. You can even lie and tell them you always knew about these things, just like you always knew Jesus had a sister and while you're at it, why don't you tell us the location of Atlantis and who's going to win in November?

sixosix magazine and Icarus Media assume no responsibility for any damage occurring to a user's iPod from the above and makes or implies no warranty on the product. iPod is a registered trademark of Apple Computer, Inc.