I'm that guy on the el.

Call me insensitive or callous. But if the train happens to be empty, sometimes I'll put my bag on the seat next to me, using two seats for only one warm body. Naturally, if there looks to be a good number of riders that suddenly board, I'll move the bag to my lap, but that makes holding my reading material difficult. I'd much rather stretch out and enjoy my ride home from work.

Like I said, I'm that guy.

But we're all guilty of infractions like this in one way or another: some people talk on their phone in the middle of the checkout line, some drivers honk at me if I take too long to cross the street, some people sing along with the radio in a horribly atonal voice.

My two-seat trick has become so ingrained as to be an unconscious habit. I should probably break myself of the practice, as taking more than one seat on the subway is now punishable by a $50 fine in New York . Even when there's no one else on your particular car. As reported by Christopher Hitchens in this month's Vanity Fair , other city ordinances passed by Mayor Bloomberg in the City That Never Sleeps include “Operation Silent Night,” which mandates a reasonable level of noise during the dark hours, enforced by police. Never mind that car alarms are exempt from this rule.

The new regulations seem spectacularly absurd. But then take the case of the new smoking bans: There's no more lighting up in public places. This is fine from a health perspective, I suppose, but this includes even outdoor spaces under an awning. Where the other ordinances may fall in the sphere of ridiculous, the outdoor smoking ban takes on a decidedly more sinister air. It's disheartening to see one of the most glamorous cities in the world has fallen prey to simple paternalism.

The madness, apparently, isn't boiling over to the Midwest . Why must Chicago come in a lagging third place in terms of frivolous laws? Just look at Los Angeles, where apparently smoking anywhere in the state at any time is a crime punishable by death, and New York, where feeding the pigeons in Central Park is now “creating a public nuisance,” in addition to all the other rules that must be followed.

Chicago doesn't have enough rules; Daley just isn't doing his patriotic duty, pointing out what I should and shouldn't be doing so I'll go ahead and suggest a few of my own, as we may as well go all the way. Why don't we consider

1. Making it illegal to eat fast food more than once a week, combating those expanding waistlines, under the guise of “health concerns”;
2. Making the use of an express checkout lane with 11 or more items illegal, under the guise of “public nuisance”; and
3. Making it illegal to walk two abreast down the sidewalk, especially on Saturdays downtown if you're a tourist, under the guise of “obstructing public thoroughfares.”

Makes sense to me. Let's do it right. Let's allow the stew of “we-know-what's-good-for-you” to boil over and splash down here. Let's go with that trend. Who am I to say where paternalism ends and good, old-fashioned sense begins?

On second thought, maybe we're doing OK. I've got two seats on the el, so I'll take my chances here.

It's clear: Chicago does it better. Enjoy the issue.