I was given a task examine the intersection of Randolph and Des Plaines with a critical eye, looking for the interesting, the creative, the strange, the evocative. I found two parking lots on opposite corners and a large advertisement. So much for the interesting part.
Rather than blithely tell you about how this one feature of the intersection is really, really interesting or somesuch, I decided to take the far more cutthroat approach and quantify everything. Every aspect of the intersection now fits neatly into easily digestible numbers to let you know exactly how well insert example here from later in piece stacks up against, say insert foil to previous example.
All ratings are on a 10-point scale. For the feebleminded, 1 is bad. 10 is good.
The overview.
Like nearly every other street intersection in the city of Chicago , Randolph hits Des Plaines at a perfect 90-degree angle. Four simple corners, five lanes in each street, six restaurants in a 50-yard radius. The numbers are just ordinal that way.
 |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
 |
Now you know what we're working with.
01. Historical relevance: 3.3
The site of the Haymarket Riot, which spawned labor protests to this day as well as an emocore band from Chicago, Randolph and Des Plaines leaves a lot to be desired in terms of any sort of memorial. The only marker was a one-and-a-half foot square plaque embedded in the sidewalk. Let me repeat that: it's embedded in the sidewalk. Not exactly the most conspicuous location in the world. It's not like I wanted a flashing neon arrow and a balloon-selling clown to point me in the right direction, but I would have like some advance warning that the piece of metal I was looking for was slightly more accessible.
I walked right past it the first time. The 606 art director had to pick me up in his car and drive me back to the location, then literally get out and point to the plaque. It's even partially covered in tar. This drove me batty. Why would this intersection, in nearly all respects just like intersections all over Chicago , be designated a historical landmark?
After digging further, I found the Haymarket Riot has its roots in a demonstration by labor unions in 1886. There was a shooting and a death on the third day of the workers' strike, so a protest was planned for the next day to denounce the violence. Somehow a bomb was set off at the protest. Police officers were killed,
02. Gratuitous use of signs and commercialism: 8.6
This is the jackpot. Stand on any corner, and a large Infiniti ad is plainly visible. It transcends the normal billboard; it's three stories high and runs for the entire length of a building, which is about half a block. One. Single. Sign. The lettering probably about as tall as I am, and lets you know without a doubt that the Infiniti G35 has all-wheel drive that changes with the weather. In case you were wondering.
There's a church on the opposite side of Randolph from the sign. If you were a person into metaphor, you could probably come up with something convincing about how the new commercialism and the love of money now rules over the sacred in our lives, and how priorities have been lost as so much attention is paid to the material and so forth, but I'll leave that up to you.
I traipsed further south down Des Plaines , and found a CTA building. Uninteresting in and of itself, but this particular CTA building has a locked side entrance with a small yellow sticker in the middle of the door:
 |
CAUTION In case of accident or spill, call toll free the |
Makes me feel isolated and parochial, not having worried about PCB pollution in my groundwater before. I'm going to start a new grassroots movement.
03. Religious representation: 9.0
04. Ninja power: 5.3
I've never run into city street that had quite this amount of ninja power. While walking along the sidewalk by the Haymarket Riot plaque, I came across a parking lot with a street sign planted right in the middle of it. Apparently it was the cross streets of Bobby Boulevard and Enrique Lane , which is fantastic enough in and of itself. I don't think you'll find that on the Chicago street registry. But there was an even more fantastic discovery awaiting me: a ninja sword. Yes, there must have been a ninja battle here, one where the victorious combatant left the broken weapon of his vanquished opponent as tribute to the bloodshed and as warning that those who cross the path of the ninja will be dealt with swiftly. I can only imagine the exchange:
Ninja 1 (in red): Hikiro! Again we meet!
Ninja 2 (in black): It has been many moons since we last crossed blades, Mato-san.
Ninja 1: And only one shall live to tell the tale.
Ninja 2: Then shall we not settle this like ninja?
(they fight)
Ninja 2: Real ninja wear black.
(disappears in puff of smoke)
It must have been a brilliant battle. I wish I could give the ninja quotient a higher rating, but it's
05. Restaurants without names they're so hip: 9.8
So there's a strip of restaurants