Technology can be like a bicycle: You see an ad for the most amazing bike you've ever seen, and you're sold on that banana seat and those awesome red tassels on the handlebars. Other than its amazing ability to get you from point A to B, the bike can also raise your status with your friends, become a declaration of independence and can unlock the mysteries of the world, or at least those mysteries that were once to far for walking. So after months of whining and taking out the garbage, your parents finally buy you that bike and your dreams are all but in reach. There is just one problem.

You have no idea how to ride a bike.

And that's only the first problem. After your parents find the time to teach you the task of defying gravity on two wheels, then you must learn how to maintain the bike. Fixing flat tires, greasing the chain and adjusting the gears are now your responsibility. So assume you figure everything out and are confident enough to leave the garage. But where do you go? How do you get there? You are used to walking everywhere, so is there a better route now? Will a speeding BMW maim you if you go down that street? Ah, new technology, for all the questions it does answer for us, there are always many more that it raises. In this way a bicycle is a lot like Google. 

The Problem:
The problem is that Google is one of those technologies that promises to answer a great number of questions for us, and mostly, it does. It is also a technology that now has been everywhere in the news with their recent IPO and the Dallas -like drama preceding it and because of this everyone and their mother and usually their mother's mother wants and does use the technology. And therein lies the problem. No one takes the time to learn how to search, thus limiting the available results.

Just like the bike, you have to learn how to use Google, and just the same, Google is going to raise a whole bunch of questions for you. Google is not only the most powerful Web search engine, it's quite frankly the most powerful and useful site on the Internet today and will be for a long time. There are many things you can do with Google other then look for whatever strange porn you're into. 

The Solutions:
Come on people, Google is a cool company. Did you really think all they did was search the Web? Google is so hip, it put up a billboard with nothing more than a mathematical equation. If you solved the problem, which was rather advanced, it led to another mathematical problem, and, if you could solve this one, you would find out how to submit your resume to Google. The company is great enough that it actually pays its employees not to work for portions of the day, so everyone will stay creative and not get burnt out. Both are good things to know, and with that let us begin with the basics.

The basics
If you haven't learned the basic ways to improve your search, like using Boolean terms or quotation marks, then you need to start at the beginning, which dear reader is not here. Here are a few things you can do right in the Google search field other than, well, search.

Have you ever been in the middle of a heated AIM conversation and some asshat throws a big word like “ sesquipedalian ?” You know you need a comeback, but unfortunately your dictionary is missing that page because you used it to roll a joint a few years back. Have no fear, Google is here. Simply type the word “define” followed by a colon and the word you are looking, and hit search. Google will return the definition for you.

There are a whole host of commands you can put in front of words and numbers so you quickly accomplish task by using Google. You can add subtract, multiply and convert amounts. You can even convert mathematical equations into roman numerals. Try typing “14*54 in roman numerals” into Google. Check out this page for a complete list of mathematical commands.

The curious thing I have noticed when people are searching for something is that they fail to put the item they are searching for in to a category that Google has created to assist you in your search. For example, my friend was looking for a picture of the wizard from The Wizard of Oz , and no, he's not gay. Just curious. So he typed in “wizard of oz” in to Google and started looking through the sites that were returned for a picture. He never bothered to look right above Google's logo for the entire search engine just for images, which didn't help his search. That's right, there are a whole bunch of categories up there, including images, news, groups and Froogle, a shopping client. Each one should be used for various tasks and will generally help you out in finding what you need.

• General searches just use Google as-is
• If you're looking for a specific image, then as the name implies, use the image search, you moron
• News is great for when a story is breaking about oh say, Ashlee Simpson and her “talents” and you want to know what happened. If you type in her name into normal Google, you're going to get her homepage and some MTV bullshit that is not what we are looking for. Pop her name in to the news tab and you will be pleasantly surprised with all the horrible details and stupid cover-ups of her Milli Vanilli-esque performance on SNL

Google group is a search feature that searches a part of the Internet called usenet. Normal people don't use it because it's not user friendly, pretty to look at or intuitive, so it remains populated by geeks. But goddamn the geeks know a thing or two, and they, along with Google, can help you out. Let us say you want to know how to convert the electrical amps in your light bulb to something else using only a potato and a piece of. Normal Google may not be that helpful, but be someone on Usenet has asked this question before and Google groups will bring you that question and everyone's response to it just for you.

And of course there is the almighty Froogle. Get it, like “frugal?” This is were to go when what you are looking for is a product on the Internet, which in case you haven't noticed is everything from novels to self-circumcision utensils. Froogle will pull up all the commerce sites that have the product you are looking for and place the results in a comparative chart based on price.

This last little invention of Google's was the product of all that free time for which they pay their employees. When an employee of Google has a good idea, it's put into development and testing at the Google Labs. I call it “this-is-the-future-so-you-better-check-this-shit-out” place. This is where Google is amazing. I like to think of it as a big metallic room with desks made of some futuristic clear polymer where people just sit around and think shit up and drink really good coffee.

And Google Labs
The first of many wonderful experiments to be found in the lab and one of the oldest at the moment is Google Local. If you go to this page on Google and type in your search criteria, let's say, a bar, and you type in your zip code, Google will return the address and phone numbers of bars in that ZIP code and map the fuckers right there for you. I'll see you at the Inner Town .

Next up to the plate is the Google Alert. This little device maybe useful to a business, but really it's a great way to fulfill all of your narcissistic tendencies via the Web. Visit this page on Google and type in your name into the search field, or really any other phrase you care about. Mine is “the evil magician.” Then tell Google you would like to be updated on the search criteria. Google will now send you an e-mail alerting you every time your search has been indexed in the network. So if you typed your name in, every time someone uses you name on the Internet and Google picks it up, you'll be alerted so you can dish of the gratitude or the pain to those fucking bloggers.

Have you ever been so stumped with a question and no amount of searching on Google can help? From time to time even the mighty Google can be stumped. But not to be outdone, Google has an answer for this as well and it's called oddly enough, Google Answer. Check out this page for all the details but the basics are these. First you can look to see if anyone has ever needed to know what you need to know and you can search this for free. If you're the first to ask, then simply type in your question, put in an amount you are willing to pay – $2.50 or so will do – and submit the query. Within 24 hours you will have a researched answer to your question with sites and books for reference. You should ask Google how one can get a great job at a magazine like sixosix.

On the newer side of Google Labs' brainfarts to reach the masses is the new SMS service. This great new feature is an extension of their Local program, except you can access it from you cell phone. Send a text message to GOOGLE (466453), and type in a location and a city. Google will text you back with an address and a phone number to help you out. Pretty cool stuff especially for a company that is a search engine.

Last, but definitely not least, is the Google desktop. Have you ever wondered why you can search and locate items quicker on the Internet then you can on your own PC? Google did, and here is its answer. You download this application from Google to your PC and it will scan your entire hard drive. When it's done, you can search your desktop porn with the ease of Google. If you need more then that, you can connect the search on your hard drive to the Web so when you are at someone else's computer, you can log in and search your files via the Web. Simply amazing! Privacy buffs, go bark up a different tree. Try the GOP while you're at it.  

Conclusion
Hopefully these words and this hyper-linking magic can better prepare you for the new bicycle known as Google. You use it everyday in your life and it has, I am sure, raised a question or two. So go now and find the exact best porn you can find.